I’m Losing My Marbles

Don't let your marbles fall., Kerplunk

Self-doubt is a pretty sneaky bastard. It creeps up on you when you’re not looking, eases its way into your mind, and steals any confidence you have, turning your life into a giant game of Kerplunk. As each rod of confidence is removed, more pieces of your life tumble down until you’ve lost all your marbles. Before you know it, you’re standing there with a pile of insecurities, baffled at how you got there, and questioning every move, much like a drunken one night stand. Not that I know what that’s like.

Well, it looks like self-doubt has managed to ninja its way into my life. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been standing here with my insecurities in hand questioning the quality of this blog and my writing.

self-doubt, creativity

Is it any good? Is this what I wanted my blog to be? How can I make it better? How can I improve my writing? Am I even a good writer?

These are just a few of the questions that have been circling my brain and paralyzing me with doubt. It got so bad that I questioned every word I typed, every blog topic I brainstormed, and every photo I edited. I questioned whether I had truly found my voice or was just mimicking the faint echos of those around me.

Afraid that I was losing all my marbles, I took an unplanned blog vacation to hunt down my answers. At one point during my search, in between conversations of thigh gaps and hot celebrities, I let it slip to my bestie that I had been plagued by doubt. To which she offered me these wonderful pearls of wisdom:

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“If even one person enjoys it, you’re doing fine.”

“Fuck it. Just get to where YOU like it.”

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Well, these are both great ideas, but what happens if you never reach that point?

You see, I have always been my worst critic. I hold myself to a much higher standard than I hold other people. And I hold my writing to an even higher standard than that! It’s quite a predicament when you can’t even reach your own standards. It might also mean that those standards are impossible for anyone to achieve.

So how do you get out of your own way? This is a question I’m still struggling to answer, but I’m slowly realizing that remaining paralyzed by my own self-doubt will only cause me to lose my marbles faster than Tootles from Peter Pan. I may not be the best writer and I may not have the best blog, but all I can do is try. I can try to improve my writing. I can try to steer my blog in the direction that I want it to go. And I can try to overcome my crippling self-doubt.

In a world where everything and everyone is already telling us we’re not good enough, the last thing we need is to to tell ourselves that, too. So, for now, I am choosing to believe in myself. I hope all of you will, too.

Have you ever experienced crippling self-doubt? How did you deal with it?

  • Jackie

    You are awesome!!! And I love reading your blogs! I’m proud of you for doing this and sticking with it!! Never let anyone, even yourself, put any doubt in there ma’am…you keep doing what your doing and you’ll be just fine!
    And a little side note: Love your Peter Pan reference…made me think of our childhood. Good times! 😉 xoxo

    • Thanks, Jackie! I appreciate your kind words. And you know I had to make a Peter Pan reference! haha.

  • “Look in the mirror. That’s your competition.”

    Everything else is just a head fuck. Just concentrate on being a better you than you were yesterday and everything else will fall into place. Insecurities and doubts are something women are kinda programmed to have from birth – we’re encouraged to compare ourselves to others constantly to find where we stand in relation.

    Nah-ah! Find out where you stand in relation to yourself and bollocks to everything else.

    • Thanks, Leah! I really appreciate it. And you’re so right, we are all programmed to compare ourselves and to compete with one another. We should learn to be comfortable with ourselves and encourage others to do the same. <3

  • The mind is tricky 🙂 I think we all have doubts and feel that way from time to time. I think your friend gave you great advice. I try to remind myself not to worry about what other’s think. I’m glad you are back!

    • Thanks, Mariah! I am happy to be back. 🙂 Things have been crazy busy this past week, but I’m looking forward to getting back into the swing of things.

  • I wrote a similar post earlier in the week about how I’m afraid of my own success.

    I don’t think you’re going crazy. I’m the same way–I hold myself to a very high standard, and expect perfection. To me, it’s a way of sabotaging myself. I think we both need to learn to get out of our own way and out of our own heads.

    If you’re happy with your writing and your blog, then I assure you, other people will be happy with it, too.

    • We definitely need to learn to “get out of our own way and out of our own heads.” 🙂 There’s a quote that I saw recently that I think fits this situation perfectly.

      “It’s not who you are that hold you back. It’s who you think you’re not.” – Unknown

      We are the only ones standing in our own way and I hope that we are both able to embrace our talents and success. 🙂 Thanks for your comment!

  • I guess the most self-doubt I’ve ever had is when I had my son and thought I was doing everything wrong. Not just for him but for my husband too. Just thought I wasn’t good enough. I think time just needs to pass so that I can see the road I traveled, remember all of the accomplishments that I’ve made, and hindsight is always 20/20 right? Sometimes you can get yourself out of a funk, and sometimes, you just need time and a change in perspective. Maybe looking in the past can help you be more confident in the present. Good luck on this journey!

    • I think most new parents worry about being good parents and doing things right, but I’m sure you did and are doing a wonderful job with your children. 🙂 Hindsight is definitely 20/20. I think with time and perspective it becomes much easier to appreciate our own accomplishments and talents. Thanks for your kind words!

  • kathy@vodka and soda

    i’ve been so busy i hardly have time to visit blogs/do blog things but here’s one thing i realized a long time ago: the only person who you should care about who loves this blog is YOU. this is your space to fill it as you please. write what you want, when you want and make no apologies for it.

    writing quality is important but not as important as being open and honest. there are a ton of bloggers out there who write with grace but to be honest, it’s not my jam…i might as well just read a book.

    this blog here is wonderful; don’t change a thing unless YOU want to change it 🙂

    • Girl, last week I was so busy I barely had time to catch my breath, let alone blog! It’s amazing how life just sneaks up on you.

      Thanks for the advice and vote of confidence! I really appreciate it. I hope that I can get the blog to where I want it to be. 🙂